ROSENCHOPPA Chooses Number, ME and Tarvaris Dissaprove, GREATLY!

When asked by Vikings.com why he sucks at life Sage Rosenfels declared, “I have two children and my favorite band is U2.” Although having two kids is cool and all, this statement clearly shows he does not have enough anger in his heart to be the Vikings starting QB. Anyways, he went on to say, “I picked the number two because U2 makes shit music and I like it.”

More importantly, this officially makes my #16 Rosenchopa jersey obsolete. I have officially revoked my nomination for ROSENCHOPPA QB 2009.

Childress Declares Belicheckmate!

Brad Childress did it again! Childress, with the 22nd pick in the draft was able to move up to the 22nd spot and steal away Purple Anti-Christ (Percy Harvin) from the Patriots that were planning to take him with the 23rd pick in the draft. Childress used several brilliant displays of misdirection which included going to see Percy Harvin just days before the draft. GREATRIOTS fans all over the world already know “The Great Belichick” is ALLKNOWING, NO ONE DENIES THIS. However, Childress was one step ahead. Chill-dog (as Percy likes to call him) used a special technique of not thinking about drafting Harvin for the ENTIRE offseason, Pure Brilliance! This put “The Great Belichick” right where he wanted him, the next pick in the draft.

You may not know this, but Childress has defeated Belichick in a battle of wits before. When the pats released Garret Mills with the intention of putting him on their practice squad they told Childress not to sign him. GUESS WHAT? Childress signed him anyways. That IS clutch!

This all happened before Childress was aware the big B’s allknowingness, so in all fairness, Belichick tempted him with forbidden fruit he knew Childress could not resist. Still Belichick punished Childress for his sins by signing David Herron only to release him later. Apparently, making one of Childress’ players uncomfortable for a short period of time was not enough to keep Childress from smiting Belichick again.

Hats off to you Childress, or maybe Helmets off! Ha!

Yay! Brett Favre, Yay!

I will quickly outline Brett Favre’s 4-step plan to be the greatest QB of all time.

1. Get waived from Jets. Check!
2. Get signed by a team desperate for a QB.
3. Throw interceptions.
4. Win Superbowl! Yay!

Tahi Wins, Vikings Lose, Bengals Win on Accident.

1.4 million to keep a highschool fullback on the roster? No, thank you.

Tahi’s blocking skills are weaker than Purple Jesus’ forcefield so he is pretty much NON-WANTED. I think a cardboard cut-out of Tony Richardson would be more effective than Tahi at this point in his career.

You CANNOT BE SERIOUS CHILDRESS!?

Cutlerfucker in Purple? You CANNOT be serious.

I am sure you have heard, talks of the Vikes picking up the Probowl’s biggest loser have been swarming around lately. Although Cutler has lead the league in pouting and crying like a big fucking baby, he should be allowed nowhere near winter park.

The only way I would even consider this trade is if they threw in Wilfred Brimley as a fullback. Besides who would Marmalard pick on all season? Jamarcus Russel? I do not think so.

Vikings have no time for insulin shots (or sulking, you pussy! FUCK!) they should be too busy raping and pillaging. His faggotry will not be tolerated.

TJ Houshmandolla NOT a Viking? Oh No!

Ahahahaha, the title is clever. If you are expecting anything more witty in the article, you should probably stop reading NAO.

If you are still reading, another NFL player has shown that getting paid is the only true way to win. The biggest comfort in all this is that he will probably end up being the next Burleson. That is what happens when WRs choose Seahawks over Vikings. Tj already has a history of being the biggest winner when it comes to losing so I guess he wanted to keep his legacy.

I think after a few years we will look at this being just as awesome as when we stole the greatest interior lineman in football from the shitty Seahawks with our superior Viking intellect.

Seriously, what other team puts a bald QB on the field? Losers.

Oh and another thing, our stadium is till louder, you dicks.

Vikings Need a New QB, Am I Rite?

The Vikings lost a post season game so now we need a new QB. Let us evaluate the potential Qb possibilities that can lead us to a super bowl loss next season.

First lets start off with possible Free Agents.

Matt Cassel is the new Daunte Culpepper. He throws to Randy Moss and gets lots of touchdowns and yards and stuff. First off, he has been franchised which means we will have to give up even more picks than we did for “The American Ivan Drago” AKA Jared Allen. Now, lets evaluate his passer rating of 89.4, if you subtract Moss(25) and Welker(25) and add Viking pass blocking(-19) and play calling(-20) he ends up with a passer rating of .4, this is clearly not an upgrade from what we currently have. 89.4 – 25 – 25 + (-19) + (-20) =0.4 Grade: F

Jeff Garcia is an obvious choice for a vet Qb to come in and play a season or two. If the rumors are true and the Vikings did actually offer to trade for Brady Quinn, that would clearly show that they have no reservations about bringing in a queertastic-quarterback. If Jeff is indeed as gay as Terrel Pwens says he is, I am sure he will have no problem wearing purple.

However, the jury is still out on Jeff being gay or not, just because he let Terrel Owens “kiss it” once that doesn’t necessarily make Jeff gay too. Garcia also has a hot wife. Grade: B

Kurt Warner, the best grocery bagger in the NFL is also a very capable QB. He is known for throwing quick accurate passes to AWEsome WRs. Unless the Vikings bring in a new wideout besides Bernard “One Play a Game” Berrian and Bobby Wade, Warner most likely won’t be putting up amazing numbers. Grade: C+

Byron Leftwich has shown some promise after taking over for an incapacitated Ben ROFLSberger this season. Despite having a release slower than Randall Cunningham on ludes and being the only immobile black quarterback to ever play in the NFL; he has the upside of being a fairly accurate passer with a rocket arm. Grade: C-

Rex Grossman, also known as “Sexxy Rexxy”, is known to be God’s gift to women who like to fuck terribly inconsistent quarterbacks. Seriously, this guy is a douche. However, his hail mary capabilities are unmatched and he practices them all the time, even during real NFL games. Grade: Douche (but seriously, he is really an F.)

I guess we will move on to whiny-faggot quarterbacks that will cry to get released from their contracts.

Brett Favre is the clear favorite of this category. His inability to throw accurate passes and win games are only over-matched by his ability to “play like a kid” and “have fun out there”. He is also really good at throwing off his back foot. Not to mention, he leads the league in crying like a bitch and faking retirement. Grade: Fail

Lets move along to possible trades.

Derek Anderson has a bloated contract after one good year of play and will likely be traded or possibly cut. He lead the league in throwing dropped passes to Braylon Edwards this season so it is possible he might still be a decent QB. Grade: C

Donovan McNabb + “New Donovan Mcnabb”, otherwise known as T-jack would make the Vikings the greatest team ever. If Childress could stop fapping on the sidelines long enough to coach a game; his kick ass offense would be NONSTOPPABLE. Purple Jesus would become obsolete. T-jack and McNabb would just throw the ball back and fourth and scramble for fun. Grade: Abso-FUCKIN-lutely not gonna happen.

Now lets move on to what we gots.

Gus Frerotte is old as fuck and worthless. He has had trouble telling different color jerseys apart ever since his cataracts set in. If our receivers didn’t have to turn around and run 5 yards to catch his throws he might be a decent QB. He is too old to even be a decent sacrifice to the Viking Gods. I think he would be alot more effective next year as a stay at home dad. Grade: F

Tarvaris Jackson has the potential to possibly be the most pissed off starting QB in the NFL next year. This BADASS looks like he is ready to eat some babies when he is calling out a snap count. He has shown alot of promise but still needs further development before he is truly ready to command the Viking ship to Valhalla. Grade: C

Well I am sure there alot more QBs to talk about, but I haven’t written this much since my freshman year in HS so this is going to have to come to an end. I think I will end this article with a well deserved GET IN THA MOTHAFUCKIN ROSENCHOPPA!!!!!!!!